Blog 7 - 1st Draft

I know that my paper needs work, but I think that it's a good start.  I would appreciate any comments, critical particularly.  The paper went surprisingly smooth, though, despite the ridiculous amount of time spent at LofC...

Comments

[Mike Perry]

Zeck,

where's your paper? I tried to click onto it, and I get nothing, Mike Perry

[nirvana88]

It looks like the thesis of your paper is: “William Andrew Clark deserves a place of honor in American history because of the good he did”.
Be cautious about saying that something is unknown by any source. You are not an expert in the field. Just name a few sources who say it is unknown. Remember that each paragraph should either set up a following paragraph that speaks directly to the thesis or it should speak directly to the thesis.
It seems in the opening paragraph you are setting up a ‘compare and contrast’ situation about Clark’s sins vs. virtues. “The good out weights the bad”. This is ok just follow that style.
In paragraph 4 you may want to tie in Clark’s personal economic growth with larger society. Lots of information on Clark’s achievements-but what about the effect on the ‘little people’.
This reads much like a biography. I am not sure if that is bad or good. I presume Butte is a town somewhere. Did Clark found Butte? Anaconda, did that town have anything to do with the company by the same name or am I confusing my history.
Paragraph eight ties in the benefit for the town that Clark did, Such as the first city water. Good. Remember to maximize your points and minimize the negative. That is a key with arguments.
Clark vs. Daily. Daly and the culture of corruption as the cause for Clark’s sins? Interesting. It sets up an argument that Clark was just doing what everyone else was doing, I am not sure if that holds up well. It may. Paragraph 20 lists many virtues of Clark and all that good things he did. You may want to lead with this and spend more time on how Clark helped the community.
I am not sure if you should say anything about your own feelings. Maintain the impersonal tone. It helps the paper sound more professional.

Sorry if this is a little fractured. I am just throwing out the ideas that I had. Hope it helps.

Dan Veit

[nirvana88]

The Sins of Clark

Author Ezekiel W. Clayson attempts to declare that William Andrew Clark “deserves a place of honor in American history” because of the good Mr. Clark has done. Mr. Clayson starts with the infamous deeds that have tarnished Clark’s name. In contrast, the author states that these sins should not overshadow the benefits Clark did for society. The author does a good job of giving us a description of Clark’s business activities during Clark’s rise. Clayson is careful to convey Clark’s personal reasons for this work. Clayson states that although greed is the motivation; the increased economic activity gave many a job. Additionally this work provided much needed help to many of Clark’s customers. Also, later in the paper a large list of Clark’s many philanthropic activities are spoken about.
The author goes into some length about the senatorial shenanigans that Clark is infamous for. The detail is informative and sets the stage well. Clayson wants to say that Clark was no more corrupt than others in Montana. Also, Clark was forced by a rival to resort to bribery to further his ambitions. The author is somewhat successful in his portrayal of Clark’s plight. The Author ties up his argument well with his concluding final sentence.
The author does a good job on supporting his thesis although there are a few areas that could be improved. Clayson starts with the infamous parts of Clark’s history. The author may want to start with some of Clark’s philanthropic deeds instead. Perhaps an opening with a description of a generous social benefactor that had an unfortunate turn of events would be effective. An author helps set the tone of a paper by leading with the positive.
Much of the first part of the paper reads like a biography. This may not be bad. Clayson may want to pull in his thesis a bit more by detailing the secondary benefits to society that occurs from Clark’s money making ventures. Clark’s stint as a postal carrier is a good example of this. Moreover the author needs to maintain the focus of the paper on the thesis that Clark’s many societal virtues outweigh his political sins.
Clayson may want to start with the details of the many good things that Clark achieved. Then describe the political sins along with the extenuating circumstances. Concluding with additional details on more philanthropic expenditures may help to sandwich and minimize the negative part of Clark’s history.

In the end, this committee of one gives this paper a preliminary grade of B- .

On a more personal note: it is always a good idea to read the instructions before starting a project.